bobsanity

poly geek thingamy watsit

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 14:05:24 GMT

so in chatting with yoz and another mate of mine i happened across the poly geek relationship disclosure form. and in the spirit of livejournal and all the questionnaire filling that goes on here i though i would post my replies.

Poly Geek Relationship Disclosure Form
version 1.03
Form PGRDF/1.03, for people met recently at parties in whom a more-than-just-friendly interest has been mutually discovered and disclosed.

Purpose: Form PGRDF/1.03 is intended to disclose important relationship information in a humorous way, getting things out into the open where they can be discussed without the longer period of awkwardness associated with the early phases of Relationship Guessing Game RGG/inf. RGG/inf. has been proven to be non-terminating in some cases.

Disclaimer: PGRDF/1.03 is not a replacement for RGG/inf. It will still be necessary to complete RGG/inf in most cases. PGRDF/1.03 is intended as a supplementary disclosure form only, and will usually only enable skipping to a later and less awkward section of RGG/inf.

Notice: Usage of this form is largely restricted to poly geeks. Most of the issues dealt with herein relate to poly relationships, and most non-geeks experience difficulty filling it in honestly due to insufficient dread of RGG/inf. Attempts at use by non-poly people will be largely irrelevant; attempts at use by non-geeks, for best results, should be monitored by a geek who knows the filer well.

1.

Right now I
(1) Am
( ) Am Not
involved with anyone else.

If so, please indicate numbers. Note, one partner can
be included in more than one category. You may attach
text explaining your answers if you so choose.

My romantic partners include
( ) legal spouses,
( ) Lifetime commitments,
( ) parents of my children,
(X) very close, ongoing, emotional relationships,
(X) friends whom it's okay for me to be sexual with,
(X) people whom I'm dating,
( ) people with whom I can indulge in non-mainstream
(kink or fetish) sexual activities,
(X) partners of the opposite sex,
( ) partners of my own sex,
(X) live-in partners,
(X) partners with veto power over new relationships,
( ) partners with veto power over ongoing relationships,
( ) partners with whom you will be expected to be romantically
or sexually involved, if you get involved with me.
( ) Total partners.

2.

I have (no) children.
( ) of them live with me full-time.

3.

Right now, I am interested in
(X) Friendship
(X) Cuddling/Smooching
(X) Talking (includes ordinary emailing)
(X) Sexy Emails
(X) Sex
(X) Kinky Sex
(X) Starting a Short-term Relationship
( ) Starting a Long-Term Relationship

4.

If things go well, within a few weeks of starting a
relationship, I will be interested in:
(X) Friendship
(X) Cuddling/Smooching
(X) Talking (includes ordinary emailing)
(X) Sexy Emails
(X) Sex
(X) Kinky Sex
(X) Group Sex
(X) Starting a long-term Secondary Relationship
( ) Starting a Long-Term Primary Relationship.

5.

This relationship won't meet my needs if it doesn't provide
or allow for:
(X) Friendship
( ) Cuddling/Smooching
(X) Talking (includes ordinary emailing)
( ) Sexy Emails
( ) Sex
( ) Kinky Sex
( ) Group Sex
( ) Starting a Long-term Secondary Relationship
( ) Starting a Long-Term Primary Relationship.

6.

If things continue to go well, within a few years I might
want to:
( ) Move in together.
(X) Have children
( ) Get legally married
( ) Have an open marriage
(X) Purchase a home
(X) Earn a degree (although i dont see how this would affect my relationships)
( ) Have a plural marriage.

7.

A long-term relationship would not meet my needs unless it
provides or allows for:
( ) Moving in together.
(X) Having children
( ) Getting legally married
( ) Having an open marriage
( ) Purchasing a home.
( ) Earning a degree.
( ) Having a plural (non-legal) marriage.

8.

I am
( )So het, it's boring.
( )pretty much heterosexual.
(X)Bi, with strong het leanings.
( )Bisexual.(Kinsey number between e and pi).
( )Bi, with a stronger attraction for my own sex.
( )pretty much gay/lesbian.
( )exclusively gay.

9.

My sex drive is
( )out of control/insatiable. A real problem.
( )unusually strong, very hard to resist.
(X)healthy, ranging toward high.
( )about average, I guess.
( )a bit below average, usually.
( )something I can keep in check with no problem.
( )so little, I feel like I'm missing out.

10.

For sex, latex is:
( )Required, at least in the beginning,
( )Allowed,
(X)Required, in all but my closest relationships.
( )Required, period, unless trying to conceive.
( )Required for some activities but not others.

11.

I'd prefer a Primary relationship:
(X)with only one person. (although i am new(ish) to being poly so i assume that with the right person/people things fall into place)
( )with several people, separately.
( )with several people, all together.

12.

I could live with a Primary relationship:
(X) with only one person
(X) with several people, separately
(X) with several people, all together.

13.

I require my primary SOs' secondary relationships to be:
( ) people well known to, and close friends with, me.
(X) people I know and who are willing to talk with me.
(X) people who aren't actively hostile to me.
(X) people who are NOT trying to end my relationship.
( ) people my SOs' see only with my approval.
( ) people who are likely to become primary partners.

14.

I require my own secondary relationships to be:
( ) people well known to, and close friends with, my
primaries.
(X) people known to and who are willing to talk with my
primaries.
(X) people who aren't actively hostile to my primaries.
(X) people who are NOT trying to end my primary
relationships.
(X) people I see only with my primary SOs' approval.
( ) people who are likely to become primary partners.

15.

I have about
( ) Less than 5
(X) 5-10
( ) 10-15
( ) 15-20
( ) More than 20
hours during the work week that I could spend with a
new relationship, not including time spent asleep.

16.

I have about
( ) Less than 5
(X) 5-10
( ) 10-15
( ) 15-20
( ) 20-30
( ) 30-40
hours during most weekends that I could spend with a new
relationship, not including time spent asleep.

17.

Logistical considerations:
(X) I am car-less.
( ) I share a car with someone else.
(X) I am pretty broke right now.
(X) I share a home with someone else.

18.

My phone number is:
not something i will post here!
19.

My email address is:
( )

20.

My religious/spiritual persuasion is:
(jewish (not religious but with an orthodox upbringing); a bit hippy and open to anything)

21.

Gregariousness:
( ) I am a rabid party animal without a leash.
( ) I like to go out and socialize/do stuff, but can
be coaxed into staying home.
(X) I'm kind of indolent, but fairly easily coaxed
out into the world.
(X) I prefer small gatherings of people known to me.
( ) I'm dead center of the Introversion/Extroversion
Scale, or at least I skip rope with the line a lot.
( ) I'm damn sociable for a hermit...sometimes. Mostly
I prefer to stay home.
( ) You mean there's a world outside my house? Fancy that!

22.

I am "out" about being poly:
( ) To everyone, and rather vocal about it
(X) To people if it comes up in conversation
(X) With my friends
(X) With my closest non-poly friends
(X) With other polys
(X) With my partners
( ) With my co-workers
(X) With my family (ish)
( ) Still in the closet

23.

PDAs involving secondary partner(s) are acceptable:
( ) Anytime, anywhere
(X) Within the bounds of good taste
( ) With my primary partner(s)
( ) Around other polys
( ) Never

24.

PDAs involving primary partner(s) are acceptable:
( ) Anytime, anywhere
(X) Within the bounds of good taste
( ) With my secondary partner(s)
( ) Around other polys
( ) Never

Thu, 04 Mar 2004 16:45:58 GMT

after many years of being told that it is required listening, i have finally got myself a copy of Abigail by King Diamond. it has very squeeky and high pitched vocals with twiddly guitars which date it, but it is pretty accessible and (dare i say it) enjoyable in true 80's metal style. thank you j for pointing me at it many years ago. (it is a bit crap that it has taken me this long to listen to it) there is an Abigail II now (released in 2002) so i shall have to go track that one down.

rage against the dying of the light

Mon, 16 Feb 2004 22:34:54 GMT

i can't help feeling that i am falling deeper and deeper into the hectic world of the insane. i don't know how to be anymore. just to be. it is so painful. i don't want to be who i was. i certainly don't want to be who i am. but who and how do i want to be? fuck knows.

i want to be free of my past in order to make the most out of the present. i want to learn from my mistakes and move on. i need a sense of self. of identity. of freedom from obligation and expectation.

sometimes the road to sanity seems like a fading glimmer. and yet i don't belong in this madness. part of insanity is not actually giving a shit. or maybe that is a permission given by insanity. to be able to wander the streets naked or shouting to yourself. i don't fit into that. i care about what others think of me. maybe too much. maybe enough to loose myself in front of others. and yet i am as lacking of self when i am on my own.

and what if i were to pick it all up again? just go out there, find a job, make friends, see my family and do all the things that are impossible at the moment? could i do it? do i have a strong enough foundation to support all that?

suffering from depression is hard work. the rejection and lack of support and understanding is completely isolating. and very scary. it makes me wonder if i had all the things i thought i had when i was well (or well enough to be a contributing member of society).

Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

comfort eating

Mon, 29 Dec 2003 19:10:25 GMT

i seem to have rediscovered comfort eating. the last few years i have been (in my opinion) overly thin but that was in response to medication i was taking in '99. maybe it is starting to wear off finally. i don't know.

i am spending a few days on my own. it is a very strange experience. i don't feel like i am really there if there is no-one around to see me. i am lost in a haze of christmas tv, smoke and chocolate. i feel ill, but i keep eating more. it feels very familiar like my once favorite t-shirts, now relagated to night wear.

from bad to worse...

Tue, 16 Dec 2003 18:50:15 GMT

you know when you think that things cant get any worse? let me just state for the record THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE. no matter how bad things seem to be, there are new lows there to be conquered.

i haven't written for a while. writing seems to require a certain level of having-dealt-with-stuff that is very difficult to muster. to write about painful stuff, i need some amount of distance and everything that has been going on has been shitty recently. i haven't even been checking in on what other people are up to, because i feel guilty about not writing. now how fucked up is that?

the first thing that went wrong was the bike training. i have always wanted to ride a motorbike, and it seemed to be the answer to a lot of problems to get a scooter. however, the training day didn't exactly go as planned. the theory part was easy and at 10.30 i got on a scooter for the first time very confidently. sadly, my fortune didn't last. i managed to move in straight lines adequately, but when it came to turning corners and what to do in an emergency, i was stuck. i even broke a bit off the scooter.

what hadn't occurred to me was that the instincts needed to ride a moped or motorbike are the same as a pushbike. and that is something that i am particularly crap at. i have no idea about which brake is which or how to balance myself on a corner. the instructors advice was to ride a pushbike for a while and then try again. but i hardly even have the confidence to ride a pushbike on the pavement, let alone on the road. i suppose that if i really wanted to get my motorbike license, i would give it a go, but it isn't going to be the quick fix solution that i was expecting it to be. i should have been at the training centre till five at the earliest. i was back home by 11.30 and feeling pretty devastated. it hadn't even occurred to me that i wouldn't be able to do it.

a few days after that, i went for an interview for a 6 month work placement. i hadn't really recovered from failing the CBT and my confidence was a bit shot. the interview was at a prestigious company who provide work placements for disabled people. the aim is to make disabled people more employable, and the pick of the crop (around 40%) stay with the company at the end of the placement. it is a really exciting opportunity and even though the interview wasn't fantastic, i still thought that i was in with a chance and i got my hopes up plenty. in the past i have been offered every job that i have been interviewed for so (can you see where this is going, yet?) it was a really big blow, after waiting to hear for two weeks, to hear that i didn't get it.

interviews are really dodgy. you are actually setting yourself up for people to pass a judgement about you, and you need to do things like sell yourself which i am not very good at. i don't think that i was confident enough or that i had done enough preparation. i think that the rejection letter said that i can ask for feedback from the interview (i have only read it once) but i am too scared. i am not sure what of. probably facing up to my own problems.

the combination of not getting the work placement and failing CBT has really wiped me out. part of me doesn't want to want anything because i seem to only end up getting hurt in the end. if you have no hopes then you cant be disappointed. well, that is the theory.

so now i am feeling a bit stuck. i had been looking forward to getting out on my own. being able to go across london without it costing me an arm and a leg (even though i would have to stay sober for the privilege). i had been looking forward to earning money instead of relying on handouts. but none of that is going to happen in the foreseeable future now. and i am gutted.

that sunday night feeling

Sun, 09 Nov 2003 23:13:08 GMT

sunday has just seemed to come again so quickly. another week starts again tomorrow and i would really love to put it off. i'd just like it to be the weekend for a bit longer.

i couldn't face going out tonight, even though i would probably have had a good time. i am too scared of sitting there and being miserable. i feel so stuck when that happens. and it means that yoz ends up having a bad time too which makes it all the more shit. so i am just being miserable on my own.

i feel very frustrated with how i spend my time at the moment. i am suffering from lack of social and intellectual stimulation in my week. the problem is that i am not well enough to go back to uni or even hold down a job at the moment so i am stuck with going to therapies and mental health day centres. i so don't fit into the mentally ill crowd but i also feel out of place with my friends and 'well' people. so the place where i am is very lonely. and i am also getting to understand that the line between being ill and being healthy is so fine that it is almost invisible.

i do my scooter training on friday which will give me some independence. i am looking forward to it so much. it has been a dream of mine for a long time but i always said that i would go for my bike license after my car license, but this just makes much more financial sense.

diamanda galas and stuff

Sat, 08 Nov 2003 01:58:01 GMT

i was at the royal festival hall this evening for dinner. walking through the foyer reminded me of going to see diamanda galas there about six years ago. that was a completely mad experience because my boyfriend at the time and i only went because her latest album was co-done with john paul jones (from led zep) so we didn't really know what to expect.

not surprisingly, it was quite an alternative crowd who were gathered at the bar before the show. we were both completely wowed by the pierced/goth/cybergoth stylishness of the audience. so it always makes me smile when i contrast that crowd to the regular clientele who tend to be the blazered hardcore classical crowd. :)

i had a good evening out tonight. it was very strange to be with yoz's friends without him. i am so not confident about being with people that i dont know well. i can manage it much better if i know at least one person, but it is still so hard. i think i managed quite well this evening, though. it is more about pretending to be together, rather than actually being it.

i spend so much more time putting off writing instead of actually doing it and now it is 2am and i must sleep and i haven't done half the things i wanted. arse

Sat, 01 Nov 2003 01:28:41 GMT

things have been particularly crap today. i dont know why. i have made my way through almost half a bottle of bourbon (some supermarket jack imitation). i have a rule that i dont drink on my own, but that went out the window this evening. and i am ill too (with a chesty cold), so another good reason why not to drink (it depresses my breathing, and i have asthma). but it just seemed like the most attractive thing to do this evening. yoz is out and i am too ill to go with. so i am even more lonely.

the bedroom is a complete mess at the moment. yoz's old computer was very ill, so i am building him a new one with some salvaged parts of the old machine. the problem is that the new case didn't come with instructions (these things don't apparently) and i am having trouble mounting the motherboard in the case. i might just say fuck it and put it all together shoddily, but i dont feel comfortable doing that. i want it to be perfect. i like to do a job well. especially if it is for someone else. (if it was for me, i wouldn't give a shit) but all the parts have been strewn over the desk and floor for ages now and i have to deal with it. but i just cant face it. i am not in contact with the person that i would normally ask for help, so it buggers me up a little (vastly). i suppose i should just put it all together and see if it works, but part of me would prefer not to do it at all above hacking it together. arse

i am going to have such indigestion from all the alcohol and cough medicine that is bubbling in my stomach. but it should help me sleep (hopefully) which is definitely a good thing. and i get the whole bed to myself which is nice for a change, although i certainly wouldn't prefer it all the time. sleep now. :(

Thu, 30 Oct 2003 22:43:07 GMT

i am so weighed down with this depression shit. i cried in therapy today. i can only remember crying once in the eleven years of therapy i had before seeing this therapist. now i cry in almost every session. i am miserable and lonely and it is fucking hard work to keep myself together, let alone try and make things any better.

on a lighter note, yoz bought me the hebrew version of green eggs and ham when we were away. it is very cute and completely remarkable in that there is absolutely no mention of eggs or ham in the translation at all! to be honest, i actually don't know what the word for ham is in hebrew. it is not the kind of vocabulary they teach in religious schools. chazar is the general word for pig meat and treif is the (yiddish) word for food that is not kosher, but i never learned anything more specific than that. just another hole in my education.

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 23:05:06 GMT

having spent the last four days in israel (and we had a really cool time), i am completely bombed out to be back (no pun intended). the worst thing about holiday is coming back to face the shit again. and it is not like i have any pressing things to deal with. but my day to day shit weighs heavily.

jerusalem is beautiful, as ever. i haven't been there for over a year and a half and it is shocking how things have changed. every restaurant has a guard and the public areas feel empty. i felt very conscious of how few tourists there were. things are very hard for people over there at the moment.

i picked up a few new albums whilst i was in the airport. the most surprising find was an israeli hip hop artist called Subliminal. it is actually good! i am so impressed. the girl in the shop also recommended an album by Idan Raichel which is (apply heavy israeli accent here) "etnic" music. basically it is an amharic/hebrew fusion. so far it all sounds good. i also picked up a couple of Aviv Geffen cds and a Mashina album with "tachzor tachzor" on it. really really fab if you are in to israeli music, but completely irrelevant if you aren't. and i am guessing that israeli music probably isn't your thing. so sorry.

i took the wrong books away with me. i always have that problem. i think that i need to have started a book to be able to read it on holiday. or maybe i just have to be in the right mood to read when i am away.

i started reading quicksilver today by Neal Stephenson. yoz just bought it along with a load of other stuff and i figure that i will finish it in around the same time as he finishes the other four books he bought. (it is a hefty tome at over nine hundred pages) i have been looking forward to this book for a while. it is a prequel to cryptonomicon which i really enjoyed (also a long one). both books have drawn me in at the very beginning; cryptonomicon by featuring alan turing as a character and now quicksilver has just introduced me to a young isaac newton. maybe i am just a closet geek.

Thu, 16 Oct 2003 14:41:22 GMT

it is the times when i am not doing anything that i should be thinking about writing. but it is only when i am doing other things that i feel motivated to write. wank.

we (my boyf & i) are going to a couple of gigs in the next week. we are going to see obie trice tonight at the scala and (from a slightly different genre) ac/dc next week. ac/dc are playing hammersmith (quite a small venue) so tickets sold out in 4 minutes. 4 MINUTES???? all hail the yoz for being the master of all things interwebby (and for getting up early to book tickets). the atmosphere should be great because the crowd are going to be hardcore fans. and obie trice should be good too so i am quite excited :)

i read a great book recently that i want to rave about but i will do that later. hopefully. ;)

name origin

Tue, 14 Oct 2003 12:52:49 GMT

i just got a cab back from art therapy and the driver inquired, very tentatively, as to the origin of my name, abi. i explained that it is just a shortened form of abigail which is biblical name for one of the wives of king david. he explained that he had only ever heard the name in africa where it is specifically used to name a child that has been born after a long time of trying to conceive. which is quite appropriate considering that my parents tried for four years before having me. an interesting coincidence, i think.

first post

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 17:00:03 GMT

so, this is my first entry. i feel nervous and anxious about writing but i am also quite excited. on one hand, writing this feels very exposing, but i hope that by being real and genuine i can make positive connections with people.

i am having real problems with starting to write. i dont know where to begin. my boyfriend told me that a good trick is to decide what things i do and dont want to talk about before i start. but it doesnt make things any easier.

i want to use this space to be myself and to meet other people. i look forward to having lots of fun here :)